I was flipping through my calculus notebook earlier and came across some distraught scribbles in the back of it. It was a letter I wrote to God about 2 months ago..
"I'm so lost and frustrated. I feel like a burden to everyone I encounter and no one actually wants to be friends with me. I'm a faker. I do things to fit in. Who could possibly care about me? I know You have an undying love for me, but why can't I feel You with me? I miss that about my old self from home. I know I need You. I only feel full and complete when I am having a strong relationship with You. Let me feel Your love, Jesus, please. I love You."
Even though my life is absolutely falling apart, I would have never realized how much I needed Jesus if none of this had ever happened. He absolutely had a plan for me and with everything I've been through recently: my breakup, family problems, making friends, plummeting GPA, a bad roommate, etc., God did it for me. For my benefit. And it took me a while to see it like that. God is VIOLENTLY pursuing me. Just me and me alone. Not through anything else in my life. I am losing my identity in other things quickly so that I can just be His princess. This fits in with what I talked about last. I totally defined myself in my relationship and my academics and my friends. It was bad. I thrive only when I'm defined as a daughter of the King. THAT'S my identity. And I hope and pray that you are able to see things like that very soon. Because God can give and He can most certainly take away. Only He knows what is best for you, and you just need to trust in His violent pursuit.
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