Circumstances

It's not cliche when someone says that you learn some things the hard way. Everyone can try all they want to give you advice about your freshman year of college, but you will literally never get it until it happens to you. This has been the most humbling experience I've ever gone through.

For starters, I am not as capable as I gave myself credit for. I assumed that I could handle being in the honors program and taking 16 credit hours of coursework (12 is what defines you as a full-time student, so I guess you could say I was working over-time). It was a rough course-load. I had way too much to do and I still wasn't adjusted to having to make my own time table for everything. College is rough, y'all. I wish some people knew it seriously isn't all fun, especially being at a school like this.

So, not only was academics going really rough, things were going on at home within my family, and I've been pushing through a rough breakup. I dated the same guy for two years, so learning my true identity has been really difficult; also, it doesn't add to the loneliness of college. But family has been really putting pressure on me to do really well in school. Of course I don't want to disappoint them! My grades have been so bad and I just feel like I've failed them. My parents have done so much for me, and I can't even pass. It was easy to ask what in the world is wrong with me.

It wasn't until my first breakaway (campus-wide bible study every Tuesday night), that I've seen what craziness God is doing in my life. God is SO SO good to us. Not many people ever experience in their lifetime the good that God does for us even in the struggles and pains. God knows what you need in order to become who you are meant to be! He will do whatever it takes to shape you into the person you're supposed to be. Sometimes, yes those things really hurt. You will have moments that you are so distraught you have no idea if God actually exists, unfortunately. It's not a lie that He can give and take away. But everything He does is so that others can marvel at His glory through your circumstances. Everything is for the glory of God. What a gift is that?? Your circumstances lead to God's glory. I know it's easier said than done, but things do get easier when you let go of control. You rely on God to take care of everything and heal you. He can do that for you.

So, trust me, things are still hard for me, and I'm making a lot of decisions about my academics and stuff like that right now, but I am placing my trust in the Lord. You will find true peace in doing the same, I promise. Have patience, God's got this.

A Violent Pursuit

This day has been absolutely insane. My mind is so bogged down with everything I need to get done and with the fact that my grades are just a disaster. I can't believe this has been happening and I'm beyond distraught. I can only tell certain people because I'm so embarrassed that I may be dropped out of the Honors Program here at TAMU. I'm just....ugh.
I was flipping through my calculus notebook earlier and came across some distraught scribbles in the back of it. It was a letter I wrote to God about 2 months ago..

"I'm so lost and frustrated. I feel like a burden to everyone I encounter and no one actually wants to be friends with me. I'm a faker. I do things to fit in. Who could possibly care about me? I know You have an undying love for me, but why can't I feel You with me? I miss that about my old self from home. I know I need You. I only feel full and complete when I am having a strong relationship with You. Let me feel Your love, Jesus, please. I love You."

Even though my life is absolutely falling apart, I would have never realized how much I needed Jesus if none of this had ever happened. He absolutely had a plan for me and with everything I've been through recently: my breakup, family problems, making friends, plummeting GPA, a bad roommate, etc., God did it for me. For my benefit. And it took me a while to see it like that. God is VIOLENTLY pursuing me. Just me and me alone. Not through anything else in my life. I am losing my identity in other things quickly so that I can just be His princess. This fits in with what I talked about last. I totally defined myself in my relationship and my academics and my friends. It was bad. I thrive only when I'm defined as a daughter of the King. THAT'S my identity. And I hope and pray that you are able to see things like that very soon. Because God can give and He can most certainly take away. Only He knows what is best for you, and you just need to trust in His violent pursuit.

What defines you?

Every day in college, I've gotten closer and closer to discovering my complete identity. I have realized now after much heartbreak that I haven't been seeing who I truly belong to: Jesus Christ.
This isn't just some boring ole blog that I've started to preach to other people about who God is, because believe me, I'm still learning, and no one could ever be as perfect as Jesus was! My purpose here is to share with you my experiences as a freshman in college and how they're teaching me and shaping me. My identity is in God and I am so thankful that I have seen the darkness that comes from turning away from Him, because otherwise, I would have never realized how much I need Him! I always heard that college would break you and change your beliefs and how many people leave the Church after college, and believe me, a lot of that is true. I am so blessed, though, to be here with these people that are challenging me every day to grow in my faith!

So, join me on my journey as I start documenting my college experience here at Texas A&M and how the Lord God is teaching me things every day.

Thought for the day:

      What defines you?